Brian Ball Z
by Dave J
Summary: When Brian discovers Mayor West's plot to neuter Quahog's pets, he and Stewie put their balls to the wall to stop him.
1. Chapter 1

The Griffin family are watching Looney Tunes on the TV in the living room. Peter angrily says "How come we never see Porky Pig's junk? I mean he's smooth as a baby's bottom down there, and yet his jewels are harder to find than a white guys?"

"Peter let me stop you there before you hurt yourself." Brian interjects. "If you were animating a children's cartoon, would you draw genitalia on the characters?"

"Well I wouldn't, but Disney stuck bad stuff into his cartoons for years and look how things turned out for him?" Peter responds.

**Cut away to Walt Disney speaking to an animator in his office**

"Alright now I think I see the problem… Y'know how you've got all these flaming skulls and dead babies over here? Well they should probably be replaced with kittens and flowers." Disney says, pointing to a drawing board.

**Cut back to present**

Tom Tucker appears on the television. "We regret to interrupt this World War 2 propaganda with the following report: Mayor West has enforced a Pet Neutering law on all of Quahog. We believe this stems from his phobia of the cat that occasionally appears in background shots of Desperate Housewives."

Brian shouts "Oh no, this is terrible!"

Stewie answers "What the part about the neutering, or the part about Desperate Housewives still being on the air?"

"I'd say they're both pretty awful." Chris responds.

"Yeah I can agree with that." Lois follows.

"Mayor West can't do this!" Brian stands up angrily. "Animals have rights too!"

"Animals have the right to be killed and eaten." Peter states calmly. "Just ask this wallet sized portrait of Ted Nugent I keep in my back pocket." Peter holds the picture up to his mouth and pretends that it's speaking

"I disagree." The picture responds.

"Oh shut up Ted Nugent!" Peter yells at the picture. "You're just jealous because Kirsty Alley lives in my shirt pocket now!" A picture of Kirsty Alley slides out of Peter's pocket and winks at the Ted Nugent picture.

"Well no matter what you think, I'm going to fight this!" Brian says, storming out of the house angrily.

"Is it just me, or does anyone else smell the faint scent of axe body spray every time that guy leaves the room?" Stewie asks nonchalantly.

We see an establishing shot of the Mayors office with a sign that reads "Complaint Department relocated to the dining room at Starbucks".

"I demand to speak to the Mayor!" Brian says, pounding on the front secretary's desk.

The secretary responds "He's in a meeting with his aids at the moment."

**Cut away to Mayor West talking to the Trix Rabbit, Count Chocula, and Cap'n Crunch in his office**

"So does anyone else know how we can lower city crime?" Mayor West asks.

Count Chocula raises his hand.

"Without killing any Jews." Mayor West adds.

Count Chocula lowers his hand.

**Cut back to Brian and the secretary**

"Well you tell the Mayor that a tax paying citizen demands to see him!" Brian pounds on the desk. "And then you tell him that the dog of that tax paying citizen is actually the one that wants to see him, because the citizen himself is too busy buying Muppet DVD's on Ebay to care!" Brian pounds his fist on the desk again.

"I'm sorry sir but we have a strict "Three pounds and your out policy" on all of our desks." The secretary states calmly. "Edwardo, Phillipe, please escort our guest to the nearest cornfield and toss him somewhere into it." She says into an intercom. Two well dressed men drag Brian out of the room.

"You can silence me, but you can't silence Twitter!" Brian says as he begins frantically typing into his cell phone.

**TO BE CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 2**


	2. Chapter 2

Brian comes to in a slight haze. The sky above him is green and Stewie stands next to him wearing a red martial arts uniform. "Stewie where are we!?" Brian asks worriedly.

"Oh we're in a Dragon Ball Z parody. You can tell by the unnecessarily large sweat drop forming on the back of your head." Stewie responds.

"Oh God get it off!" Brian says shaking furiously.

"Calm down." Stewie answers back. "That's a staple for all Japanese anime. In fact, don't be surprised if before this dream is done, You've changed genders four times, someone gets raped by a tentacle, we're surrounded by effeminate and borderline homosexual men, and this cell phone here transforms into Optimus Prime." Stewie says examining his cell phone. "Actually come to think of it, this isn't a dream, it's paradise!"

"Well how did I get here?" Brian asks. "You slipped me another date rape drug didn't you?"

"No my man on the street is all out of those." Stewie says back.

**Cut away to Quagmire looking in his medicine cabinet**

"Somebody's been stealing my date rape drugs!" Quagmire exclaims.

**Cut back to Brian and Stewie**

"Brian it's my guess that your brain has transported you to this wonderful fantasy world of poor dubbing, in an attempt to help you solve your neutering problem." Stewie responds back. "Oh and by the way, my name isn't Stewie. It's Krillie. And your name isn't Brian. It's Brihan."

"What? Those are terrible names!" Brihan says back.

"Look I've had just about enough of your complaining." Krillie shouts. "It's not a Sundance film, it's a FanFiction! The people reading this live with their mothers, jailbreak their Ipods, and have Xbox names like Gandolph29! They don't care!" Krillie says throwing his hands up in disgust.

"Point taken." Brihan responds. With that, they begin to explore the amazing place they've arrived in. Approaching a green man, Brihan asks "Excuse me sir, but where are we?"

The green man responds, "Why you're on Namek. Home to the seven Dragon Balls."

"Well that seems like an odd introduction." Krillie responds.

"What do you mean?" The green man adds.

"Well it's just, when I meet someone asking for directions, I don't say, "You're in Rhode Island, home to America's Anus."" Krillie says. "I mean do you always state what your planet's known for to random passersby?" Krillie asks.

"Yeah pretty much." The green man says.

"Oh." Krillie says back.

"Yup." The green man responds. After an awkward pause, Brihan and Krillie back away slowly.

"So Stewie, I mean Krillie, what's Dragon Ball Z known for anyway?" Brian asks as they approach a large ridge.

"I believe it's known for the fighting." Krillie responds. With that, a large man kicks Brihan in the back of the head and knocks him into and through a mountain. "Ok, now I'm almost certain it's known for the fighting." Krillie says.

"Yeah I gathered." Brihan says rubbing his head. Brihan looks up to see a hideous and bloated purple creature wearing a pink hat and glasses laughing. "Meg is that you!?" Brihan asks.

"Who is this Meg?" The creature responds. "I am Megdoria! I was commissioned to kill any suspicious characters I found tresspassing. No one must interfere with our hunt for the Dragon Balls!" Megdoria yells.

"Watch it Brihan! Judging from the size of those pit stains, I'd say her power level is 22,000!" Krillie says back.

"Mwuhahahaha!" Megdoria laughs. "

**TO BE CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 3**


	3. Chapter 3

"I don't suppose you'd be any less likely to kill us if I told you I was gay for you." Brihan says to Megdoria as he stands up and dusts himself off.

"What? I'm a girl!" Megdoria responds.

"That large bulge in your pants begs to differ." Krillie says back.

"That's just where I keep my third boob." Megdoria says, adjusting her inner thigh bra strap.

"Ewwwww." Krillie says grimacing.

"Well then if it's a fight you want, it's a fight you'll get!" Brihan shouts, gritting his teeth angrily. "Go get her Krillie!" With that Brihan throws Krillie into Megdoria face first. Megdoria catches Krillie in her large armpit. Krillie opens his eyes to see a lush and beautiful rainforest before him. "Why I had no idea such splendor could grow so freely. It's absolutely breathtaking!" Krillie says, beholding the wild life of Megdoria's hairy pits.

Just then, George of the jungle swings over to Krillie on a massive vine and says, "If you think this is something, you should check out the underbrush growing around the Batcave."

"AHHHHH!!!" Krillie screams in terror, as he pulls his head out from beneath Megdoria's armpit death trap. "Solar Flare!" he yells, and the entire surrounding area lights up whiter than Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's massive front teeth. "C'mon Brihan, now's our chance to get away before she wakes up and forces us to watch Gilmore Girls dvds with her nerdy and unattractive friends! I'm sure they all have insufferable unisex names like "Quinn", and own high ranking positions in the AV club!"

"Agh! That's a fate worse then death! Let's go!" Brihan says, as he flies up into the air after Krillie. Once the two settle down by a local ridge, they notice a small green skinned boy sporting a massive afro floating next to them.

"What's good?" The boy asks.

"Who're you?" Brihan asks back.

"Im th' one that asks the questions round here. Ya heard white dog?" The little alien boy states calmly. "And my first question is, yall got any of them crackers with the allegorical twist packed into every bite?"

"Oh you must mean Animal Farm Crackers." Krillie answers back, handing the child a box from his pocket.

"Mmm. Four legs good, two legs bad." The boy says as he bites the legs off a gorilla shaped cookie. "Aight then, now that yall helped me, ima help you. My name is Rol-de, and I gots me some epic healing powers."

"Wait, aren't you Cleveland's step son from West Virginia?" Brihan asks.

"Cleveland? Never heard of him." Rol-de says back. "Aight so peep this white dog, I saw how you got pimp slapped by that big and tasty with the juicy butt back there. So Ima bust out my alien healing powers to help yall recover." With that Rol-de pulls out a brown paper bag with a bottle inside it. "Drink this up. It'll give you back your fighting strength, and get you crunked. Just remember not to operate a motor vehicle while under its influence."

Fifteen minutes later Brihan finds himself both passed out, and healed from Megdoria's attack.

"So who was that large gentleman with the vagina working for anyway?" Krillie asks Rol-de.

"Who you mean, Megdoria?" Rol-de asks. "Ah that chick was workin for a real bad dude that came here lookin for my balls. Get it, my balls?" Rol-de pauses and looks at Krillie expectantly.

"Yes yes, we've all heard the joke before. But obligatory testicle humor aside, are you saying you have one of the Dragon Balls?" Krillie says back.

"**Had** em. My village chief got busted up, and the bad guys made off with our balls." Rol-de responds.

"Oh I get it! **Balls**!" Brihan says waking up drunk. "Hahaha!"

"Go back to your liquor induced stupor Brihan. The grown ups are talking." Krillie says impatiently. Then turning back to Rol-de he asks "Now who're these bad guys you keep referring too?"

"That'd be those cats over there." Rol-de answers. They all look up to see five awkwardly posed silhouettes landing in front of them.

"We are the Goldman Force!" A high-pitched Jewish voice calls out from the center silhouette.

"Ugh. Just our luck, another interpretive dance ensemble wants donations." Krillie says disgustedly. "Why don't you people go get real jobs!?" He shouts.

"They aint no dancers." Rol-de answers back. "They're trouble. Big trouble."

**Continued in Chapter 4 **

Check out my ongoing webcomic **Down On The Farm** at dotfonline[dot]com. Replace [dot] with a period.


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